maybe "rants" isn't the right word. these are simple thoughts about my life. some may be more colorful than others. some language may be offensive, but it depends on your definition of offensive. consider this your warning ;)

15 June 2008

Selfishness, Maturity, Sex, Timing, and Me.

(**originally written and posted as a Facebook Note, you know, the FB equivalent of a blog before Timeline was forced upon us, back when sharing Bumper Stickers were the best...)
by Marlon D Deleon on Sunday, June 15, 2008 at 12:05am

...all five of these things are what i think i'm going to refer to as..."the fucktastic four" (at least, for this context) now, i know, there are five things listed, BUT! keep reading, and it'll start to make sense, if it doesn't, well. that sucks for you.

think of it like a pizza: there are many toppings to choose from, but too many is just weird, and a bad combo is just that-a bad combo. sometimes, a simple one or two-topping pizza is fantastic, but other times, the supreme is even better. in any case, pizza is still pizza. (and i love pizza). but, back to the point (there is one...swear. fuck,) in the last couple weeks, but definitely this past week i've been doing a lot of reflecting. i use the word "reflection" as opposed to "thinking" because thinking hurts too much. anyway, in my reflection, i've come to realize that just about every break up in any relationship of whatever the sense, friendship, professional, romantic, etc, ends in any one or more of The Fucktastic Four. yes, of course, I am a part of it. but, of the remaining members, i can usually pinpoint one major Fucktastic.

why don't I just start at the top? (thatswhatshesaid) SELFISHNESS- now, this is an interesting character. selfishness usually has a negative connotation, and with good reason...but that is not always the case.

storytime- go.

let's call her Leigh. long distance relationship, i'm in the military (east coast), she is not (west coast) over the course of time, the phone calls from Leigh become more frantic and filled with crying. She wants me to come home. I am in the military, under an enlistment, she lives at home with her parents, and wants to leave. Going AWOL or deserting a military obligation is stupid. doing for a girl? even stupider. she could have moved to the east coast. but she wanted me to come back to california. Selfish. i come up with a plan. I re-enlist, move into an apartment and out of the barracks, buy a new truck, Leigh would move in with me on the east coast. that's all she had to do. move. and if she hated living at home as much as she said she did, AND wanted to be with me as much she said that as well, moving sounded logical.

NOT. she simply continued bitching and crying to me about missing me and hating living at home, i continued to offer up the plan. to no avail. seeing this going nowhere, i break up with her, and continue with my portion of the plan successfully. (selfish)

now, neither of us were wrong, we both wanted something, and did what we wanted individually, but not what WE wanted as US- selfish.

i still think i made the mature decision to break it off at the point where i did, because of our individual selfishness and the concept of timing. she simply wasn't (and actually, still isn't) ready to leave home.

MATURITY- this has more faces than an emoticon pop-up ad in the middle of your myspace page. I believe that there are several kinds of maturity: physical, emotional, professional, and sexual. all very different. all very related. definitely affective on the others. Let's break it down simply...

Physical Maturity- very easy to discern. medical, tangible, physical maturity, your body develops, you get hair in funny places, you get taller (some more than others) you fill out, what have you. i think you get it.

Emotional Maturity-general life experiences. "growing up" if you will. This is where it starts to get complicated. I've met very few people in my life that actually seem the age that their birth certificate deems. work with me here...small child. parents divorce, death in family, what have you. said child "grows up" faster than they're supposed to. still with me so far? good. on the other hand...child lives at home in sheltered life. goes of to college/military/whatever, and is thrown into the octagon that us non-MMA fighters know as "the real world" and the 18 yr-old virgin to the world with no credit who's never worked a day in his/her life is now screwed. some people are simply in for a reality check, and hopefully, they make it. just because you are 18, does NOT mean you are smart enough to vote. and further, being 21 does NOT make you a responsible drinker.

in any case, i think you should catch my driftwood by now. emotional and physical maturity rarely match. it happens.

Professional Maturity- a bit easier to discern. whether you realize it or not, you start maturing professionally at a very young age...interpersonal communications, negotiating (i'll give you my oreos for that bag of cheetos...) flirting (tag, you're it! no! she has cooties!) etc. as you get older, you develop workplace skills, cuztomer service, or a trade, or computer skills, what have you. eventually, when you realize what you want to be when you grow up, you start working strictly in that field, and mature there.

easier said than done. i know.

Sexual Maturity- now, bear with me. i'm not talking about sexual conquests, how big (or little) of a whore you may or may not be...stay with me. I'm talking about sexual maturity in regards to yourself, and your state as a sexual being. ok, let's get...mature for a moment. Focus! ok, good. let's be real. people "lose" (or give away, or simply get taken) their virginities at ages all over the scale...i think the youngest i've heard was 11? the oldest being mid 20s. anyway, it's not about when you do, or how much you do, it's about how YOU feel throughout your...sexual career, is what i call it. There are events that can help you mature, and then there are things that can knock you back further than a time machine. it's all in how you handle it in Emotional Maturity.

SEX- herein lies an interesting a relationship, and one asks, "how many people have you been with?" really? is it THAT important? or is that a manifestation of insecurity in projection upon your partner. (that sounded so psychology class, it was awesome) anyway...aside from STDs, children, and fiancee's/spouses...i really don't see the validity in knowing how many people my girlfriend (if i had one) has been with. really. honesty. and comfortability. if two people (or are hookin up to hook up. go ahead! do what you want...but safely! but, if two people are in a relationship, then, the sex should be more about their comfortability and trust in each other, and expressing their emotions and attraction through physical intimacy.

despite many people's beliefs about my sexual standing, i know where i stand, and that's what's important.

so anyway...what's the point of all this? well, my levels of maturity in each category are so far off from each other, i'm in a very unique category. actually, it isn't a category. it's my life.

professionally, i've matured in different aspects. navy. military, electrical/nuclear engineering, but now i'm in theatre, for real for real.

physically? well, yeah. luckily, i've been blessed with good genes, and i still get mistaken for being 18. i'm not complaining. i know i'm not getting any taller, i'm over it.

selfish? absolutely. i gotta look out for number one. when my ex fiancee and i broke up before i moved back to cali, she said i was being selfish for leaving her and anna (her daughter) in virginia beach and just comin back here. i looked her dead in the face and said, "just because i've played daddy doesn't mean i'm her father. she's not my kid."

my biggest thing is that my levels of maturity have grown in such a pulp fiction, three card monte, kinda way, that i fit into so many circles, and sometimes it makes it awkward when it comes to dating, because i can connect with people in different age ranges.

i have learned a lot though, every year i do. and the last month has taught me a lot, too. and i'm glad, cuz generally, i'm doing ok. and it's a good day because He said, it was gonna be a good day. that's why any day would be. because He said so. yup, i went there...that's what He said.


12 June 2008

"free" time

(**originally written as a Facebook note, you know, back before Timeline, and when Bumper Stickers were the best things to share**)
by Marlon D Deleon on Thursday, June 12, 2008 at 4:55pm

that's a funny concept. not funny as in "am i clown, do i amuse you?" funny. but, "funny" (hee hee, i just said "buttfunny") as in...interesting, intruiging...reflective.

there's always more things i could be doing. reading. working out, job searching, researching colleges, writing poems, the list goes on.

if you really think about it, i'm already doing a lot right now. breathing, looking, listening, thinking, housesitting, and typing this note. now it doesn't stop there, i'm also preparing, relaxing, enjoying the summer, reflecting on myself.

that's where it gets complicated, but not really.

ok, so it isn't THAT complicated, there's just a lot going on (once again, but not really)

so i'm in college, DVC, now set to direct one of next season's major productions. cool. i'm also back in acting, just having got into a play with Shotgun Players in Berkeley. also cool. i'm on a weakly motivated job search as I am once again unemployed. not cool. i've been shut down, but if not that, simply disregarded without notification by other employers. so not cool.

i'm 26, almost 27. in community college. a year away from transfer. my peer group at school is average age 20 (that's being nice) many people my age, are either: 1) done with college (graduated or dropped out) and working towards settling, or 2) alcoholics.

this, of course is a very general statement. but really...

i am in neither circle. i'm not done with college, and i'm over being an alcoholic, tried it, had fun, moved on.

since i've been at dvc, it's been crazy-socially and professionally, but i finally got myself back to a decent level. i love my friends, don't get me wrong, i've met some people that i'll probably be friends with for the rest of my life, but it doesn't change the fact that I am considerably older, and there have been many instances in which that has played a factor, to the benefit of myself...NOT.

so here's the deal. i meet people at school, we kick it. fun times, beach, parks, playin around, fun stuff. but then there comes the point in conversations when i am reminded of my age, or more rather, my level of life experience, at this point, there is a minor rift in the interaction, and drama ensues. questions arise from my past and cause drama. parents and friends are wary of "the older guy" blah blah blah.

scenario number "B"

i meet someone my age (probably at a bar) we get along, we party well, we can have good discussion. but then i want to go to a park. or watch Cars, or Finding Nemo...or...Kung Fu Panda for the 20th time. that's when it starts to go downhill. who says that when you're older, you can't go to a park and play on the swings. why you can't just walk around the mall, get some ice cream, and lay in the grass at a park? and here is where said female my age tells me I'm not mature enough for her.

and thus, the very unique category that I am in. fun. work. an actual balance. (kind of) when it's time to work, i work. when it's time to play. i play, but the kind of play that can make me feel like i'm 21 one day, and 12 the next. fun is fun, work is work. i am me.

there's been a lot going on around me lately, just in general, not all bad, not all good, but not really stressing me out. last week i found a peace within myself that helps me smile. a peace that keeps me going everyday, and gets me to where i should be, and to hold me over until i arrive at that moment when i say to myself, "ok, i get it."

there's no monumental event or anniversary, life-changing song or film that i saw today. i just sat down at the keyboard, and started to type.

i just felt the need to let you know-about me.