maybe "rants" isn't the right word. these are simple thoughts about my life. some may be more colorful than others. some language may be offensive, but it depends on your definition of offensive. consider this your warning ;)

10 January 2010

a crash course in honesty

originally written Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 12:58am

i am here.
i am imperfect.
i make decisions for myself.
i know when i make mistakes.
i learn from them.
i love music.
i live with music.
i have songs that are memories.
i have memories that i don't like.
i am from oakland.
i am also from antioch.
i was raised in california.
i grew up in virginia beach.
i laugh when people say, "high school years are the best years of your life."
i have no family.
i have a family.
i have friends.
i am my own friend.
i am a musician.
i am a sailor.
i am a submariner.
i have traveled to the arctic circle, italy, norway, and scotland.
i know what it is like to be away from home.
i have disappeared from the world for weeks at a time.
i know what it is like to be alone.
i know what it is like to be loved.
i have loved.
i have lost.
i tried again
and again.
i keep trying.
i am going to make it happen.
i am in college.
i am an actor.
i am a director.
i am a student.
i am also a teacher.
but i am not a student teacher.
i used to be an alcoholic.
but i'm better now.
i do not hurt people intentionally.
i know when i do, though.
i don't say "i'm sorry" enough.
sometimes i'm still afraid to love
but i still do
and i probably always will.
i've been a fiance
and a daddy
but not a father.
i will be a husband
and a father
and a daddy.
i will love my wife and my children the way they should be loved.
i want a family.
is it possible to be an actor, a director, a husband, and a father?
i can only pray that being good at one will make me better at the other.
i am a brother
and a son.
i am a role model.
i am happy
as i am sad.
i do not regret.
but i am ashamed.
i know what i've done
and i will know what i am to do.
i am not an addict
nor am i an object.
i am a predator
and i have also been the prey.
i pray that strength comes to me as it is due.
i am honest.
i lie.
but i do not lie when i love.
truly love
honestly love
from the recesses of my soul that i cannot access willingly.
my mind will react
my soul will create.
i will ultimately decide.
and so will He.
i left.
He did not.
He never does.
i did.
but i'm back now.
i feel better now because of it.
i tell the truth because i want to.
i lie because i don't know what to do
or simply because i am scared.
i am scared.
i am sacred.
i love.
i do.
and i trust.
sometimes too much.
sometimes in the wrong thing.
i regain focus.
i do not look
i see.
i do not hear
i listen.
i love.
because i can
and i want to.
and i always will.
thank you.

getting cast in life, and making the most of your duty station

originally written Monday, July 21, 2008 at 6:52pm

actor. sailor. I am both. and this week I realized that they are more similar than people may think. whether your duty station assigned by the Army, Air Force, Coast Guard, Marines, or Navy, you are assigned to a location, a team, and a job.
I was sent to Great Lakes, Illinois, onto Charleston, South Carolina, and then to Norfolk, Virginia. All three of those locations are Navy bases. I went to boot camp, I went through the Nuclear Powers Program, and I was stationed on my submarine. I make friends at each site. I have stories and memories that only those that were there will understand. People will hear about it, but it's only the truth for those of us that lived it.

I did plays in high school at Deer Valley High School and Holy Rosary Theatre. When I moved back in '05, I started doing shows at DVC, and now I'm in a show with Shotgun Players in Berkeley. Different groups of people, different shows, different chapters of my life. whether it was with my submarine, my church theatre group, my directing class, or at John Hinkel Park, I've made friends. I've learned, I've watched, and I've experienced. many times, integrating chapters of your life are difficult. my fellow submariners may never meet my friends from high school. some of my fellow actors from DVC may not meet my UBU castmates.

sailor, actor, or director, one idea rings true. when the objective is reached, whether it is for national security or public entertainment, when the curtain goes down, some of those people will never be seen again. you try and try to stay in touch. but at some point, 99% of the time, it fades. another chapter in your life has closed, and you're transferred to another duty station 3,000 miles away, or you're doing another show in a different part of the country. granted, the theatre community is much smaller, and staying in the Bay Area the term "mutual friend" is like taking a breath. in the military it isn't that common. Ubu for President opens in two weeks. seven weeks after that the show will be closed, we'll all be doing other shows, I'll be getting ready to direct a play at DVC, and you'll be off singing, dancing, and/or auditioning with your boyfriend, for somewhere else, maybe nearby, perhaps across the country.

everyone has chapters. I get that. but mine end quicker. and happen faster and more rapid succession than a lot a people I've met. maybe it's making up for lost time, or maybe it's just because, for some reason, I was built to handle it. or at least handle it, better than most.
I know another chapter is approaching soon, and well, that means this one will be closing. maybe this transition will be smoother, and maybe I'll bring more people with me from this chapter into the next. with Shotgun I've officially started to branch away from DVC, and with directing at DVC, I've opened up another side of myself that can be marketed and publicized just as much as I can acting, singing, dancing, and musicianing (?).
maybe I will go to Long Beach, or if I can afford it, perhaps I actually will be able to move home to the east coast. or maybe I'll stay around a little longer than I intended in the Bay Area and learn more from all the new people I have just met. who knows. I sure as hell don't, but as the fingers fly across the keyboard, and the pencil scribbles across the notebooks, the chapters will end and begin again. they've been doing that for almost 27 years, and well, I think I'm doing okay. we'll just have to see.