a crash course in honesty

originally written Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 12:58am

i am here.
i am imperfect.
i make decisions for myself.
i know when i make mistakes.
i learn from them.
i love music.
i live with music.
i have songs that are memories.
i have memories that i don't like.
i am from oakland.
i am also from antioch.
i was raised in california.
i grew up in virginia beach.
i laugh when people say, "high school years are the best years of your life."
i have no family.
i have a family.
i have friends.
i am my own friend.
i am a musician.
i am a sailor.
i am a submariner.
i have traveled to the arctic circle, italy, norway, and scotland.
i know what it is like to be away from home.
i have disappeared from the world for weeks at a time.
i know what it is like to be alone.
i know what it is like to be loved.
i have loved.
i have lost.
i tried again
and again.
i keep trying.
i am going to make it happen.
i am in college.
i am an actor.
i am a director.
i am a student.
i am also a teacher.
but i am not a student teacher.
i used to be an alcoholic.
but i'm better now.
i do not hurt people intentionally.
i know when i do, though.
i don't say "i'm sorry" enough.
sometimes i'm still afraid to love
but i still do
and i probably always will.
i've been a fiance
and a daddy
but not a father.
i will be a husband
and a father
and a daddy.
i will love my wife and my children the way they should be loved.
i want a family.
is it possible to be an actor, a director, a husband, and a father?
i can only pray that being good at one will make me better at the other.
i am a brother
and a son.
i am a role model.
i am happy
as i am sad.
i do not regret.
but i am ashamed.
i know what i've done
and i will know what i am to do.
i am not an addict
nor am i an object.
i am a predator
and i have also been the prey.
i pray that strength comes to me as it is due.
i am honest.
i lie.
but i do not lie when i love.
truly love
honestly love
from the recesses of my soul that i cannot access willingly.
my mind will react
my soul will create.
i will ultimately decide.
and so will He.
i left.
He did not.
He never does.
i did.
but i'm back now.
i feel better now because of it.
i tell the truth because i want to.
i lie because i don't know what to do
or simply because i am scared.
i am scared.
i am sacred.
i love.
i do.
and i trust.
sometimes too much.
sometimes in the wrong thing.
i regain focus.
i do not look
i see.
i do not hear
i listen.
i love.
because i can
and i want to.
and i always will.
thank you.